Saturday, December 04, 2010

Home for the holidays is not the same

I had always loved the holidays. From Halloween through to New Years was the happiest time of the year for me. I collected decorations and decorated the house and porch and out into the yard.

I don't live in an area where anyone actually sees the decorations, it has always been for my parents. This year, with both my mom and my dad passed away, the winter time is just cold. I look around and think about decorating the house, but... it really does not make much sense anymore. I can't get up the desire to decorate when no one else is around to enjoy the decorations.

I'm not sure yet if I should force myself to decorate as usual and make the traditional candies and cookies that me and mom always made, or if I should just leave the house undecorated and not make anything.

Halloween and Thanksgiving both passed mostly unnoticed. My nephew brought me over a plate of dinner from my brother's house, and my oldest sister invited me to drive down to her place, but I declined to go out in lousy weather to visit with people that never have any interest in spending any time with me or helping me when I ask for a little help.

This year, for the first time ever, as I think of a perfect Christmas it is not one where I am with my family. I find that as Christmas approaches I think more of being able to share the season with my friends. They say that home is where the heart is, and for me, I am starting to think it is no longer here with people that do not care about me unless they have something to gain from it, my home feels more and more like it is thousands of miles away with people that ask me how I am doing and call me if they have not been in touch with me for a few days to a week.

I was raised to believe that family is all that matters. I watched my mom struggle to ensure that my older brothers and sisters each had a home to live in and raise their families. Now it hurts that two out of four of my siblings refuse to help me try to save my parents' house, have gone so far as to tell me to just give up because they would work against me if they did anything, and one of the other two is simply not taking a position on anything to do with it.

Yeah... Christmas is quickly replacing Valentine's Day as my least favorite holiday. At least at Valentine's Day I am only reminded that I do not have a man to hold me, for Christmas I am reminded that I have barely any family that cares and all my friends are too far away.... and I don't have a man that can hold me.

Yeah. Christmas time sucks.


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