Sunday, December 07, 2008

Blanking out from stress

I've been in a daze for so long that it is getting hard to remember what day it is. Trying to stay up to keep the house warm and cover my dad back up if the blankets slip off the bed in the middle of the night, trying to organize getting the bills all sorted out and paid -- that last almost slipped this month ::wince:: I'm just holding on and making lists of what needs done. I have decided that what I really need is a To Do list that I can access anytime from anywhere, and that my siblings can see - so I am going to create a place on Family Caregiver Info where that can be done. Not only for me, but for other caregivers in simular positions as well. For the moment I am still plotting on what's needed, will hopefully get that done soon and will announce it here when I have it worked out.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008


Have you ever been so stressed out that you just want to scream and hit something? It started really bad last night, I ended up just sitting down on the hearth in front of the fireplace and crying.

It seems like I am just beating my head against a wall. I sit here taking care of my dad, and while I would not dream of doing anything else, I am destroying my own future to do it. I have no hope of ever owning my parents' house, because I can not hope to ever pay off the money that is due when it comes due. And I can not hope to ever be approved for a loan to be let pay it off slowly. In short -- I'm screwed and knowing that all I can do is sit here and stare around not feeling like doing anything. What does any of it matter?

I do what I need to to make sure that my dad is comfortable, and try to hold everything else together as best I can, but... It's just all too much and I feel like I am drowning and don't know how to find the surface.

Today I nearly forgot that it was time to pay the Insurance on the house - came so close to not getting that paid --- which if it is not paid the full amount of the reversed mortgage comes due at once. So that is a bad thing to space out needing to get paid. What is really bad is not that I almost forgot it, but that I even have things organized and laid out so I don't miss bills - I just flat forgot what day it was and that I had to pay bills. Stress had me so unfocused I could not think of something so simple as that there are bills that need paid.

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