Day to myself

My dad had a blood test this afternoon, which my sister took him to for me. Plans seem to be for her to take him back to her place for the afternoon / early evening after the blood test, so I set his evening pills with her. Last few times he had been late getting home so late getting his pills, this time I decided to send them along to make sure he got them on time.

It is tempting to go out and ride my ATV, but I have a lot to do and it is cold out there. I don't have the proper things for riding in this weather so wont take off, no matter how much I wanna.

Knowing when to say no

Dad went down yesterday and spent the day at the garage hanging out with people, and even though I know he slept a bunch down there from the reports, it seems to have been really tiring for him because not only did he sleep good last night, but he's been sleeping a lot today. He had been going to go down there again today, and as much as I am inclined to say yeah, since it means that he gets to see people, I am also left to think what mom would say about it and I know that she would worry about how tired it had made him and not want him to go back down there today - so, I might be seen as the big meanie, and I might be perceived as thinking only I can take care of him properly, but I'm going to do what mom would want and say dad stays home today.

Dad is taking a day to hang with the guys at the garage

Dad is down at my sister's place watching folks work on cars in the garage. It's good for him to get out and get the chance to visit with them all, and it actually lets him visit with them instead of everyone more or less avoiding him.

At least that's what it seems like sometimes. I often wish that we lived between all of them and town so that they had to pass by when they go to town and could stop in to see dad without saying it's outta their way. That don't work for the one that works the other side of us though, but I am afraid I have kind of given up on her wanting to ever see him.

Another good thing about him getting to go spend time down at the garage "hanging with the guys" is that I get to take off up into the trails on my ATV. Went out riding for the first time this year today and loved every moment of it.

Results of Dad's hearing test

Home finally. :::collapses::: Dad's hearing test went reasonably well, he could definitely benefit from a hearing aid, so the gal said she was going to do some looking into things and see if his insurance will pay for it. She's also referring him back to his doctor to get his ears thoroughly cleaned out of any wax that might be deep down in them. The painful part came when I asked her, "If insurance dosn't pay for them, what would I be looking at cost wise?" She never batted an eye as she said $1,200.00 and before I could even choke at that she elaborated "per ear."

:::choking gasping and wheeezing::: $2,400.00 for a pair of hearing aids. There is no way I can save up for them even by Christmas, so I'll just have to hope that his insurance covers the things. Right now though, I am completely exhausted and just want to crawl off and slip into a comfy t-shirt and sweat pants, maybe find something for the headache and the threatening toothache.

Scratch that

Okay, scratch that, I can't stay home after all. ::whimpering:: I was so looking forward to getting a little time to myself, but I'm not going to be able to do that. My brother can't get dad in and out of the car by himself, and my other brother can't go help, so... I have to go and help get dad in and out of the car.

I'm not even going to pretend that it did not hit hard and leave me in bathroom crying as I pretended to get ready to go along. I had looked so forward to being able to relax and not worry about anything for a couple of hours.

Getting dad ready to go to town for hearing test

I'm trying to get dad ready to go down for a hearing test, but it's not easy. The first flaw in the plan was his t-shirt. The one I had for him came out of the washing machine with the front torn open. =-O I'm not sure what happened to it, possibly it caught on the button of his slacks and something else, whatever it was it tore the whole front out of the thing. Only other ones I have are dirty so emergency call to brother got me a new one for him, then I just had to get him shaved, dressed, hair combed etc etc etc etc...

Main problem came in getting him to stand up so I could tuck in his shirt and get his pants fastened. Rather than standing he wanted to wrap his arm tight around my shoulders, which at that angle put my face directly against his chest. Not exactly the most ideal angle from which to button a shirt up. Took about three tries, and lots of frustration on both sides, but he's in the shirt, it's tucked in and his slacks are fastened. Now to get the belt and organize the paperwork he needs to take with him, get his wheelchair ready to go... and find a hat. :-/ his baseball cap met a nasty fate in the washer the other day - I think whatever got the t-shirt got the baseball cap first because the cloth was shredded off the brim of the cap. I need to buy him a new one.

Be about another 20 minutes and my brother will be here to pick dad up. I can't express how happy it makes me that he's said he'll take dad on his own for this and I can stay home and sleep - think I might have to work on taxes and advertising work instead, but any kind of relaxing break from stress is a good break.

Little dog left out in the cold

Okay, stress has definitely got to be too much. I let the dogs all in at sunset, about half an hour or so ago... I'm sitting here trying to think of what I have to do when I hear a scratching sound. Looking back to see why the Wookie wants out the door I discover - to my horror - that he wants *IN* the back door. The little fellow had got left outside when I went out to get the other dogs. ::pounds head on desk:: I can't even imagine losing him, and for it to me something so STUPID as my mental slip on rather he's in the house or not --- :-/ I'll be stressing about that for a long time now, and just added a good two hours to my mental inability to lay down and get any sleep. (Trust me, it's not pretty when I try to sleep if I am not completely mentally exhausted when I try.)

Going slowly insane

I'm so danmned tired. Physically and mentally and emotionally - exhausted. Down to the soul, the bone... My dad has taken to sleeping during the time when I need to be working, and that means he is awake and smoking cigarettes when I try to catch the few hours of sleep that I do manage to get at night.

It has lead to minimal to no sleep for me the past few days and since the only time I see any of the relatives is when they want something from me or I catch them... well. I'm not exactly getting much rest and it is wearing me to a literal crying frazzle. Add to that the stress of knowing that someday this might all come back to slap me in the form of my having nowhere to live and no work experience with which to find a job and I'm left crying more often than not. My one escape is to watch stuff like Heroes and Doctor Who on Netflix until I am too tired to think, then get as much sleep as I can manage.

I know what one of my problems is, but I'm not ready to talk about it. Some things we just need to tug our coat closer against the cold of and move on ahead, trying not to lose what small mental sanity remains. Right? Shame I can't afford a psychiatrist, because I think I could probably really use one. ::snort::